My birthday. Kids squabbled over breakfast, most of my cards brought tears to my eyes - such kind thoughts - and I'm a year older.
Just reading a BMA blog by Anna Donald, who had breast cancer 5 years ago and whose CT scan "lit up like a Christmas tree" in February. So she's having desperate treatment and expecting to die. Which is awful, and obviously is my fear, but what's interesting is that even with that, you still function, you still get on with things. Or she does. And what else can you do? You have to keep going, someone has to buy the toothpaste, do the washing up, get the kids to school on time (late this morning, actually).
I still have this cold. I'm a bit worried I won't shake it off before next week and they won't do me. I need a surgery date, I need to get myself organised. Aussie says it's just logistics, and we will sort it out.
It's raining and I want to be planting. My chillis are coming through.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
My taste in books.
Interesting to see it down as a list. What does it say about me? There's a big heap of fantasy there, not much crime or horror.
Back at work
It does seem to be taking longer to bounce back each time. Still - hopefully only 2 more to go! I have had a really unpleasant cold this weekend, and am still croaky. Almost lost my voice completely on Sunday.
David rotavated the veg patch on Saturday, and I managed to rake over about 1/5 on sunday. It is exciting to see all that bare soil and I am itching to plant. Bought pumpkin seeds and sweetcorn yesterday with F. We will have lots of peas. We have been eating our own winter salad and my mixed salad leaves in pots are coming through. I would be so bereft if we had to give up the veg patch! I get much more excited about vegetables than flowers. We need to sort out the strawberry patch too. I put in 2 gooseberry bushes and some rhubarb, and the raspberry canes are looking good.
Aus took the kids swimming on Saturday so I could rest. Poor me with my sore throat and snotty nose. He ended up with S, F and Joanna and stayed there for ages - they were in the water about 1 1/2 hours - came back knackered. F had his swimming lesson yesterday and he's getting really good, though he does like to stay under. If he came up and breathed a bit more regularly he'd be swimming across the pool.
Mum and Dad took him last Monday, so I didn't get to see him. I slept. (So tired - I could sleep anywhere, anytime, anyhow). Mum came back and saw me without my hat. I knew it would upset her. Said she cried afterwards - "What have they done to my little girl?". I suppose I am her little girl.
David rotavated the veg patch on Saturday, and I managed to rake over about 1/5 on sunday. It is exciting to see all that bare soil and I am itching to plant. Bought pumpkin seeds and sweetcorn yesterday with F. We will have lots of peas. We have been eating our own winter salad and my mixed salad leaves in pots are coming through. I would be so bereft if we had to give up the veg patch! I get much more excited about vegetables than flowers. We need to sort out the strawberry patch too. I put in 2 gooseberry bushes and some rhubarb, and the raspberry canes are looking good.
Aus took the kids swimming on Saturday so I could rest. Poor me with my sore throat and snotty nose. He ended up with S, F and Joanna and stayed there for ages - they were in the water about 1 1/2 hours - came back knackered. F had his swimming lesson yesterday and he's getting really good, though he does like to stay under. If he came up and breathed a bit more regularly he'd be swimming across the pool.
Mum and Dad took him last Monday, so I didn't get to see him. I slept. (So tired - I could sleep anywhere, anytime, anyhow). Mum came back and saw me without my hat. I knew it would upset her. Said she cried afterwards - "What have they done to my little girl?". I suppose I am her little girl.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Aftermath
Well, the consultant was very pleased with progress (though probably not as pleased as I was to hear him say that). Steve kindly drove me home, Julie brought F home (with daffodils and a beautiful card that he drew himself, and he is a genius), so it was OK as chemo days go. S went to Joanna's and had a great time.
Mum and Dad took the kids down to Rodger and Sue's for the weekend and I think they all had a good time. Took the dogs to the beach, went to the zoo, children behaved well, came back brimming with news and excitement. I lolled for a lot of the weekend, and have to say I am feeling tireder this time, and also have really unpleasant muscle ache. Am taking paracetamol and feeling lucky because some people have unbearable muscle ache. The paracetamol takes the edge off, but I'm not sleeping well.
S sleepwalked into our bed last night, curled up on top of the covers, had to be dragged in and covered over. I ended up in the spare bed because I needed to squirm, because I just couldn't get comfortable.
The weather at least was sunny today and I planted the gooseberry bushes (2) and then had to rest. It is so frustrating to have time off and not be able to do anything with it. It is so frustrating not to fell well. Not that I feel ill exactly, but I have no oomph. Missed an exciting meeting at work. So frustrating.
I suppose at least now I realise how much I enjoy doing stuff and how much I enjoy work. I do like getting things sorted out.
The veg patch is still unattacked. Don't see how we're going to grow anything this year. I suppose it is only April, but the year seems to be going...
Aus attacked the big thing. Stone feature. Don't know what it is, but it takes up loads of space on the patio and is not at all attractive. Doesn't seem to serve any sort of purpose except to look generally rustic. Wants to extend the patio, maybe this weekend. I feel like he is surging on and I am just a big saggy bag of bleurgghhh.
Cathy rang today to see how my aches were. Told me that after her first chemo a colleague had asked how she was and she said "Truthfully? All those people who've come in here year after year and said 'I'm fine!' - they were all lying". Made me laugh and feel OK about feeling rubbish.
Mum and Dad took the kids down to Rodger and Sue's for the weekend and I think they all had a good time. Took the dogs to the beach, went to the zoo, children behaved well, came back brimming with news and excitement. I lolled for a lot of the weekend, and have to say I am feeling tireder this time, and also have really unpleasant muscle ache. Am taking paracetamol and feeling lucky because some people have unbearable muscle ache. The paracetamol takes the edge off, but I'm not sleeping well.
S sleepwalked into our bed last night, curled up on top of the covers, had to be dragged in and covered over. I ended up in the spare bed because I needed to squirm, because I just couldn't get comfortable.
The weather at least was sunny today and I planted the gooseberry bushes (2) and then had to rest. It is so frustrating to have time off and not be able to do anything with it. It is so frustrating not to fell well. Not that I feel ill exactly, but I have no oomph. Missed an exciting meeting at work. So frustrating.
I suppose at least now I realise how much I enjoy doing stuff and how much I enjoy work. I do like getting things sorted out.
The veg patch is still unattacked. Don't see how we're going to grow anything this year. I suppose it is only April, but the year seems to be going...
Aus attacked the big thing. Stone feature. Don't know what it is, but it takes up loads of space on the patio and is not at all attractive. Doesn't seem to serve any sort of purpose except to look generally rustic. Wants to extend the patio, maybe this weekend. I feel like he is surging on and I am just a big saggy bag of bleurgghhh.
Cathy rang today to see how my aches were. Told me that after her first chemo a colleague had asked how she was and she said "Truthfully? All those people who've come in here year after year and said 'I'm fine!' - they were all lying". Made me laugh and feel OK about feeling rubbish.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
why do they want him to disappear?
Just been idly browsing the shops in my lunch hour wondering about buying a top for F. Could someone please explain to me why shops think small boys should be camouflaged? I don't want him in camouflage gear - I want to be able to see him from the maximum distance possible. There must be cool clothes in bright colours for boys out there somewhere (and not football shirts).
c-1
Went to have bloods done this morning - fantastic - in and out so fast I didn't have to pay for parking. Fab! Sadly one of my veins is looking a bit tired, so maybe next time I will go and get it done through the line. Don't want to lose me veins, do I?
F gone swimming with nursery today and S at Nell's. Nell had her new glasses on. Not sure why I am working today, but F is delighted to be going swimming - and to be taking a packed lunch! He chose a marmite sandwich and lots of fruit - very healthy. I have to go and get him some school trousers today because it's only a couple of weeks now. My baby!
A and S had a great day yesterday - went down to Bude, went to the pool with a wave machine - S very excited about that - and swam in the sea. Came back tired but happy...
Once I get this damn line out I will swim and swim. How long will it be before I get irritated by the never quite getting dry afterwards and the chlorine smell? Maybe I will never be irritated by it again, maybe I will always count it as a blessing! We'll see.
We are excited about expanding the orchard. I bought a couple of gooseberry bushes on Monday - additions for the fruit garden. The rhubarb seems to have died. Might see if my Dad can divide some off for us.
Read a really nice article about Jenni Murray in the Guardian on Monday. I've stolen it for here, because I found it so refreshing and so helpful after my stressy time of feeling maybe I wasn't taking it seriously enough. So this is a direct quote: "I suppose after I'd done it [told the audience], I thought I had to be careful that I don't just get drawn into being seen just as somebody who has cancer. And so I was very careful about what I wrote and who I wrote it for, because there are so many nonsenses written about it."
When people talk about women "battling" breast cancer, she gets angry, she says. Some people have cancer that will kill them, some people do not. "It's absolutely the luck of the draw which kind of cancer you get. And I thought, if I can communicate that kind of idea then I'm doing a reasonable job. And what it's like to lose your hair, how shocking it is, how you can help yourself deal with it. Then that's useful stuff and I was prepared to do that - and now I prefer to forget about it really."
So I'm just getting on with it as well as I can.
F gone swimming with nursery today and S at Nell's. Nell had her new glasses on. Not sure why I am working today, but F is delighted to be going swimming - and to be taking a packed lunch! He chose a marmite sandwich and lots of fruit - very healthy. I have to go and get him some school trousers today because it's only a couple of weeks now. My baby!
A and S had a great day yesterday - went down to Bude, went to the pool with a wave machine - S very excited about that - and swam in the sea. Came back tired but happy...
Once I get this damn line out I will swim and swim. How long will it be before I get irritated by the never quite getting dry afterwards and the chlorine smell? Maybe I will never be irritated by it again, maybe I will always count it as a blessing! We'll see.
We are excited about expanding the orchard. I bought a couple of gooseberry bushes on Monday - additions for the fruit garden. The rhubarb seems to have died. Might see if my Dad can divide some off for us.
Read a really nice article about Jenni Murray in the Guardian on Monday. I've stolen it for here, because I found it so refreshing and so helpful after my stressy time of feeling maybe I wasn't taking it seriously enough. So this is a direct quote: "I suppose after I'd done it [told the audience], I thought I had to be careful that I don't just get drawn into being seen just as somebody who has cancer. And so I was very careful about what I wrote and who I wrote it for, because there are so many nonsenses written about it."
When people talk about women "battling" breast cancer, she gets angry, she says. Some people have cancer that will kill them, some people do not. "It's absolutely the luck of the draw which kind of cancer you get. And I thought, if I can communicate that kind of idea then I'm doing a reasonable job. And what it's like to lose your hair, how shocking it is, how you can help yourself deal with it. Then that's useful stuff and I was prepared to do that - and now I prefer to forget about it really."
So I'm just getting on with it as well as I can.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Feeling a bit wobbly
Rang Jen on Sunday night. Jen is a friend of Tess, just diagnosed with breast cancer, same age as me...so it was a slightly odd phone call, and I came off it feeling really inadequate, or maybe not inadequate, but worried that I've got it wrong.
You see, she is changing her diet, going completely organic, cutting out red meat, cutting down on dairy, avoiding soya. (She's been to the Bristol Cancer Centre). And she's not working. I came off the phone feeling like she is taking it really seriously and I have been trying to see it as a minor inconvenience that I can get through.
I guess it is all about feeling in control. I have faith in the statistics, I need to keep the rest of my life going as normally as possible - maybe it's having kids as well, I need to keep things normal for them, minimise the impact - damn it, I love cheese.
But there is a little bit of me thinking "Have i got it wrong? Am I going to die because I love Brie?"
But before this I used to feel really angry with places like the BCC that made people feel responsible for their illness in ways that there is little evidence for. (Soya, there is evidence for soya - but I've never indulged in soya - partly for that reason - partly cussedness - how has it got away with being a health food?). And I don't think my diet is too bad. A bit too much sweet stuff the last few weeks, but I'm getting back to normal now. Plenty of fruit and vegetables.
It is all about control. I guess everybody does it differently.
You see, she is changing her diet, going completely organic, cutting out red meat, cutting down on dairy, avoiding soya. (She's been to the Bristol Cancer Centre). And she's not working. I came off the phone feeling like she is taking it really seriously and I have been trying to see it as a minor inconvenience that I can get through.
I guess it is all about feeling in control. I have faith in the statistics, I need to keep the rest of my life going as normally as possible - maybe it's having kids as well, I need to keep things normal for them, minimise the impact - damn it, I love cheese.
But there is a little bit of me thinking "Have i got it wrong? Am I going to die because I love Brie?"
But before this I used to feel really angry with places like the BCC that made people feel responsible for their illness in ways that there is little evidence for. (Soya, there is evidence for soya - but I've never indulged in soya - partly for that reason - partly cussedness - how has it got away with being a health food?). And I don't think my diet is too bad. A bit too much sweet stuff the last few weeks, but I'm getting back to normal now. Plenty of fruit and vegetables.
It is all about control. I guess everybody does it differently.
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