28 June

A week and a half into goat phase.

Saw the surgeon on Wednesday - it will be a mastectomy, with lymph node clearance. It's what we were expecting, but I was still upset afterwards. I think I had parked it all, decided to concentrate on the chemo, and suddenly had to face it. 

They gave me a leaflet on prostheses. Full of pictures of OLD WOMEN. Not very aspirational and nothing that I could identify with at all. "I can wear most things", but all the pictures showed necklines up at the neck. It really upset me. I cried that night and the next night. 

I just got the Amoena catalogue, which is much better. Quite nice underwear. I will go into Marks next week and get myself measured up, and then do some shopping...but I am absolutely certain I will have a reconstruction next year. 

I look at myself in the mirror and I can't imagine what it will look like. 

1 F was kneeling in front of the telly waiting to turn it off, and his feet were under him. Dirty little feet because he's been running around outside with no shoes on. I always like to see them with dirty feet in the summer.

2 The radishes have gone mad and it's so nice to pick them. They pop out of the earth like shocking pink torpedoes.

3 Picked my first sweet peas today. Pink and purple. They smell delicious.

Friday in the park

1. F, S and Alex running round the paddling pool in the park. They all looked so fit and healthy, and were having such a good time.
2. Strawberries, warm from the sun, picked straight from the plant and popped in your mouth. Not many things are nicer than that.
3. I love the way S prefers peaches and F prefers nectarines. She likes the fact that they are furry. They both feel around in the fruit bowl until they find what they want.

It was a lovely day today. I woke around 6.15 and then fell back to sleep until F came in at 7.20. In our house that is a serious lie-in. A took S to school so I didn't have to rush, so F and I just pottered round the house, hung the washing out, mooched.

We headed over to Barnstaple to see Alex B, F's best friend. S is fascinated by the fact that she is a girl. "Are you going to marry Alex?" "I might and I might not". F says he wants to marry Joanna. "I will have to choose".

Had lunch in Alex B's new house. Three storey Victorian, not unlike our Bristol house. Needs a LOT of work, but they say they enjoy that. Then to Bideford park, where the kids had a great time in the playground and then Ann looked after F, Alex and Amelia while I went and picked up S from school. They splashed around in the paddling pool, got cold, warmed up, ran around, laughed a lot, fell over a few times, Amelia lolled around in the sun looking like a kid about to fall asleep, and then we headed home via Mr Hocking's van. We are so lucky to have them as our local ice cream providers. And my taste buds are back to normal, so everything tastes fantastic.

S did a few blasts on the trumpet when we got back. I really hope she gets into it. We agreed this morning that we would both try and be extra nice and good at bedtime, and it worked - though I don't think she is asleep yet...

Karla's wedding

We went to Karla's wedding on Saturday. What a lovely day. The weather was lovely - just as June should be - the food was great - hog roast and salads - the bride was radiant.
S was a bridesmaid and took it very seriously. A guy from work, Mark, did the photographs, so I just had a sneak preview and S looks very serious through the whole service. F was just gorgeous and kept running over and kissing the bride. At one point he popped up from under the table, climbed onto her lap and gave her loads of kisses.

The team were all there. I dreamed I was sleeping at the office that night. Lovely to see everyone giving it heaps on the dance floor and great seeing them out of context.

We had planned to go to the beach on Sunday, but everyone was tired and grumpy, so we just went home and got out the paddling pool. What a good decision. We spend all this time, effort and money on living somewhere lovely and we don't spend enough time there.
some bts:

Karla's face coming up the aisle (to Zippadeedoodah)

The light in the field and F running across it.

S in her gold dress, delighted with herself.

Sitting under the elder bush, the smell of the blossom all round, dropping a few flowers in S's hair.

Avocado and bacon. Made for each other.

Thursday

Feeling better and better. I'm not really drinking enough because everything tastes disgusting, but I am eating better. Better quality - big salad tonight - manage good amounts all the time, but week 1 after chemo involves more sweets, because I need to get rid of that horrible taste in my mouth.

Today's 3BT:

1 As I was coming home over the bridge I saw an older couple hand in hand, in beige and cream: him in  beige top and cream trousers, her in a cream top and beige skirt. They looked so hilariously well coordinated.

2 At the Stretchacott turn there is a reddy-goldy-peachy snapdragon growing out of the wall all by itself.

3 S and F playing shoot and save football in the garden - the agony and the ecstasy - totally over the top goal celebrations and collapsing in despair, and both of them knowing it and finding it so funny.

The other thing about 3BT is that I find myself more conscious of beautiful moments through the day - I clock them and file them away for later.

Took F into the health centre with me today. Hilary did my dressing. I gave her a plant - a chilli or perhaps a pepper. I planted in a bit of a chemo haze and have no idea what anything is. I don't suppose it matters too much. F had to go and do a poo and came back in to have his bottom checked. It all feels very chaotic, but she doesn't seem to mind. Then took him to nursery. He said he didn't want to go, and I thought he would be fine when he got there, but apparently he had moments of sadness all day. I went into town and shopped for a dress for the wedding, but everything looks horrible. I think I like the dress I bought, though I have nothing to go with it, so I will look a bit undercoordinated, but there you go. 

I think I am coming to a philosophy of life. That sounds very grand, and I don't mean it to, but there are a few strands coming together that seem to be linked. I have been struggling with the idea of "battling with cancer". You hear it everywhere, and I feel uncomfortable with it. God knows I would love to battle with cancer, but how? What does it actually entail? If there was something positive that I could do and had faith in, I would do it. What I feel is something like Tony Blair said about the war on terror - and I can't believe that I am quoting him on that, but I think it was him who talked about the importance of continuing every day life as a protest against terrorism that would try to disrupt and destroy that. So I am trying to live my everyday life as well as possible as a protest  against the cancer that would disrupt and destroy it.

So what are my strands?

The big things don't happen very often, so you have to have regard to the small things and really appreciate them. 

It is worth paying attention to the small things, because they accumulate.

That's from the 3BT thing.

The giving challenge? Well, the more I think about what I give, the more I notice what I receive.

So it's something about the fact that life is OK if you look for the bits that are good. It's not very original, I know, but there you go.

Emerging from the chrysalis

From lunchtime onwards I have felt things lifting - it is such a relief. By 11am I was absolutely whacked and would have happily laid down on the kitchen floor and gone to sleep, and now I am feeling relatively perky. Yesterday was awful, and I woke in the night aching all over and hot and uncomfortable, but I think tonight will be OK. I didn't take any zopiclone last night - maybe I should have - it's a bit ridiculous, but I don't want to be taking more meds than necessary! That IS ridiculous. In fact I lay there at 3 am thinking "If someone told me this was how it would be for ever, I don't think I'd bother with it."

Spent the morning at Granny's, wrapping china and shifting furniture. At least Aus and Paul shifted the furniture and I wrapped china. We took more stuff than we should have - I have such a problem with things, I couldn't bear to see the stuff she loved abandoned. Anyhow, we have a huge attic, it will be treasure for the kids to find in years to come.

I am still doing the 3BT. It's an interesting thing, it is really helpful to reflect on the good things in the day. I was talking to Siobhan about this - about how important it is for me to focus on the little things that make life good (better than worth living...), or else, what is it that you want to live for? All those little moments make up the whole. So it is something I want to continue with. And if you don't reflect on those things it is very easy to sink into reflecting on all the bad things (and heaven knows that would be easy enough). I can hear Aus trying to get the telly to function properly in the next room. I could easily rant  for pages about that...

1 A vermilion geranium in a terracotta pot against a white wall. It's a classic.

2 Sam doing the hedge, and almost taking a spirit level to it. Such a contrast with last year, when he whizzed along. As if he's suddenly developed perfectionism.

3 F coming home from his first full day at school with a sticker on his shirt saying "Brilliant Behaviour" - a sticker S made him because he lost his original one. 

And now I'm smiling and feeling that life is good, and I'm ready for bed.

Sunday 1st June

I have felt so tired today, but it has been nice to hear the kids charging around the house, using their imaginations. F is an undersea knight, and this is not his usual country.

S asking questions - how much more medicine, what is wrong, will I have a scar? But she didn't want me to tell Aus that we had been talking about it. The other night she said "I do worry about you, but I don't talk about it". And that's her.

1 The children hooning around the house piling on layer upon layer of imagining. "I will plant this magic seed" "And then lots of trees will grow"

2 F directing us on how to make a triangular door with our arms, and me and Aus just laughing and laughing.

3. Just hearing the birds singing and thinking how lucky I am to live somewhere where I can take that for granted.

Jess taking S tomorrow. Star. 

I looked at myself in the mirror earlier. Look like Nosferatu.

3bt on chemo day

Just wanted to do this before I crawl off to bed:

1. My PICC line. It means I am in and out so much quicker, my veins are staying intact and they don't have to fiddle around hurting me every time I go in.

2. Julie brought F home from nursery and talked about the time she had with him so enthusiastically she almost made me feel I had done her a favour.

3. The luxury of going to bed for the afternoon, knowing both kids are safe and happy and having fun.

3BT

This 3BT thing - there must be some formal religious precedent. It sounds like something one of the saints would have recommended.

Today:

1 The glove my grandmother got married in. She kept it for 70 years.

2 Sorcha sat down and facepainted the kids. They were delighted - a cat and a tiger.

3 It is raining outside and so cold we had to light a fire, but S is bouncing around the house in her new swimsuit and shows no sign of taking it off. She is determined to make the most of the summer. (She looks even better because of the face paint- it's like having our own mini-festival in the living room).

Chemo tomorrow, so news bulletins will be shut down for a few days...

Beach day yesterday, rain today

First of all my 3BT for yesterday:

1 Coming round a bend and seeing the sea in bands of dull blue-grey and sparkling silver

2 Eating a cinnamon roll for breakfast. Mmm, cinnamon...

3 Driving along a country lane alongside a row of massive stately beech trees

This 3BT thing is interesting. It is almost like a prayer, or a meditation in the evening. It feels really good to cast back over the day and pick out highlights. It is less daunting than doing a full journal entry - though once I started last night there were things I wanted to jot down in my journal and then there were more and more BTs that I remembered.

Yesterday was a funny sort of day. I had to go and have bloods tested in the morning, so Aus took S and F and Sorcha swimming. Sorcha has reached an age and has a personality that makes her a positive asset with small children. I picked them up from the pool and we headed home, then out for the Bush for good food out in the garden in the sunsine. S was mardy - not enough sleep. Then to Sandymouth, and Aus, Andy, S and Sorcha  played in the surf (S is a surf babe already) and Rowan and F made sandcastles - Rowan very tolerant of F - and then the kids headed off with fishing nets and found some crabs. I think some big boys gave them to them, and they were delighted with them. Ice cream on the way back to the car, then home for sausages and tabbouleh and home made coleslaw. Mum and Dad came over.

Aus and I went over the Granny's today to decide what we wanted. A lot of stuff, actually - Aus surprised me with what we ended up taking, but as people keep saying, we can  always throw it away.

S and F are doing a colouring game on the computer next to me?

S: What do you think of that?

F: it's really ridiculous, but it's nice.

F announced this morning "When I grow up I'm going to be a film maker"! We'll see.

Maud and Cam visit

a visit from Maud and Cam and Pumps, who is gorgeous, and incredibly strong-willed. They came on Saturday, so the kids were tired and cranky on Sunday. We took them to Rosemoor as they needed to get out and they varied from happy and running around to stressy and stroppy - mega-stroppy. S in particular was really grumpy and disparaging of everything. F was on the best form - and had had the most sleep. I napped in the evening and Maud did bedtime - good on her. Naps are so luxurious.

3 beautiful things
1 Pea shoots starting to come through - almost fluorescent green
2 Walking into a greenhouse full of stocks - the scent was amazing
3 S being a kind big sister and letting F have the binos, with no debate or discussion. She is a sweetie at times.

3bt

1 Picking flowers in the sunshine

2 Sitting in Julie's garden for lunch. First lunch outside this summer. And we ate the salad leaves she had grown, so she was really happy.

3 The smell of the first pink rose this summer. A big fat rose with a big fat scent.

3BT

1 Tess looking after F while I went to the hospital. Just made my life so easy, and F had a great time.

2 Big hug from Alice at the end of the appointment

3 Aussie's bread. Irish brown bread made to a Rachel Allen recipe. Delicious++

3BT

1 Buttercups

2 Hilary's nails. Hilary is the nurse who does my dressing every week and her finger nails always look reassuringly clean and well scrubbed.

3 I was stuck in a queue of traffic behind an articulated lorry on a winding country lane, and then the lorry driver pulled into a lay-by and let us all past. Good one!

3 beautiful things

1 F running back to kiss me after I say goodbye

2 Green curl of seedlings through the dark compost - I planted them and they are growing!

3 White froth of cow parsley spilling out of the verges.